…is actually the title of a song. That is what I learned on last night’s SYTYCD eppy. I’m going to try and wow even myself, today, by managing to get a recap done before the following evening’s results show. If the pros can do it, surely I can, right?
(And, before you ask, I’m not going to bother with recapping last week’s show, because my DVR failed me when I needed it the most and I have yet to see anything other than the Wikipedia entry of last week’s results).
At the beginning of last night’s episode, Cat did her big show of explaining to us just how live this season’s shows really are (including some awkwardly staged backstage primping moments), and then there was a montage of the contestants each drawing a name out of the hat of all stars (go ahead and take the time to imagine them all in one, giant hat – I did) and now I’m led to believe that Kathryn is somehow a Bollywood dancer by training. Ohhhh, the liberties you take, SYTYCD…
Let's get down to the performances:
Cristina and… Pasha
(Paso Doble)
Aside from the awful joke about “Pasha Doble”, this didn’t turn out as well as I’d hoped. It might be that I just don’t know how to differentiate various latin ballroom styles and assume that someone whose specialty is one will automatically be great in another, but Cristina’s scowl was just a little too forced to me. Also, I always thought the Paso Doble was about a matador and his cape, and NO ONE was wearing red! The hell..??
Adéchiké and… Allison
(Contemporary)
When the unnecessary beginning montage showed us that Ade v.2.0 picked Allison’s name out of the hat and they were to dance a contemporary number, I was sure this was going to be one of those tearjerkers that makes Nigel talk about his “cold heart” and Mia say some bullshit adjectives that hold little to no value because she doles them out like they’re candy. Oddly enough, the jidges weren’t awestruck. I guess I’m a firm believer in great technique carrying a dance, because I didn’t care about the “emotions” and “connection” between the two of them as much as they did. I'd say it was one of the better danced routines of the night, actually. And Adéchiké is unGODly light on his feet, which I appreciate in a male dancer.
Alex and… Lauren
(Broadway)
I know that Lauren used to be an assistant for Tyce before she was old enough to be a contestant on the show, but I have to say that I never really considered her to be much by way of Broadway (Vocal Adrenz doesn't REALLY count). After last night, I stand corrected. Even though Alex is one of the strongest dancers in a season that is STACKED with strong male dancers, it surprised me how often my eyes went to Lauren. I don’t think the jidges were too strongly swayed one way or the other about the routine (aside from some bit about Alex looking hunched), but I just think this number was a perfect mixture of great, yet simple, choreography and amazing technique.
Ashley and… Mark
(Jazz)
Let’s get the obvious out of the way: Mark looks SSOOOO damn—oh, wait, no… what I meant was... Ashley and Mark look like they’re related. I’m not sure why, and it’s obviously out of anyone’s control so it’s more or less a moot point, but THAT really kept me from getting into a piece about emotions and feelings and wanting to BE with someone the way that Travis (eeeeeeee! Travis! Woooo!) had intended. 'Cause, y'know, ew? Also, I guess I never really hold on too tightly to what style of dance they’re committing, when I watch the show, so I was a little annoyed by the jidges’ great opposition of this piece being called a jazz. I guess I agree that it definitely wasn’t Fosse reincarnate (again, look to Alex and Lauren’s routine for that), but it was good. Also, until last night, I was pretty sure jazz, contemporary, and lyrical were more or less interchangeable for this show, so the “new style” of dance in which they want to see Ashley “tackle and flourish” argument is pretty damn futile.
Billy and… Comfort
(Krump …ahhhh!!)
Ohhhhhhhh, this is such a beautiful concept: a technically beautiful contemporary male dancer (with the skin and voice of a milkmaid) put in a dance where he’s supposed to be raw and show aggression. To hip hop. This was both as much impressive and a train wreck as I thought it would be. There were parts where I SWORE BB Kurt Hummel was frolicking through a meadow, but others where I was actually pretty surprised by how hard he was hitting the steps/beats. That, combined with the discovery that there’s actually a song titled [see post title], made this possibly one of the best performances (note how I didn’t say “dances”) of the night. Honorable mentions to Cat's awesome dig at Nigel about his age (and how "the kids like [the music]") Take a look…
Robert and… Anya
(Argentine Tango)
Now, the audience and Anya and even Jean-Marc Généreux (choreographer) thought that this was an EXCELLENT performance and Robert was seriously channeling some “Roberto”. The jidges, however, thought that he was either trying too hard or being eaten by Anya or some shit. Anya’s amazing, and this dance was probably made FOR her, but I was really impressed with what someone with a contemporary background could accomplish on Week 2.
Melinda and… Ade
(Contemporary)
Now, I love me a good treehugging story, but I think I wasn’t terribly impressed with the choreography on this one. The story was a little bit of build-up in the rehearsal piece, but then just kind of… meh. And, I have to agree with Mia about the costume being distracting, but honestly, if Melinda wasn’t dressed like Poison Ivy, I don’t think I’d have ever known what the dance was about. Everyone was really impressed with Melinda’s technique in a style so different from her own, but I guess the fact that she talks a good game has me already expecting her to ACE everything. I suppose I just expect too much from my girl crushes.
Jose and… Kathryn
(Bollywood …the fuck?!)
So, if I understand correctly, the purpose of having the vets back on the show to dance with the contestants is to use THEIR styles of dance as the chosen style for the week, yes? Then WHY THE HELL are they dancing Bollywood?! While we're on the topic, I definitely had this issue with Courtney’s style magically becoming African, last week too. Now, I’m more critical of Bollywood than other styles of dance for a variety of reasons, ranging from cultural self-loathing to an actual background in a much more difficult, far less fluffy form of Indian dance, but I’m willing to bet that I wasn’t the only one who found this too cringe-worthy to watch. No, really, I FFW’ed straight through the latter half of this, so I honestly couldn’t tell you what happened.
Lauren and… Dominic
(Lyrical Hip-hop)
I know that when Dominic being D-Trix, he’s all hip hop-y and old school and blah blah, but he doesn’t have someone to partner then. I think he should always stick to Lyrical Hip-hop, because he masters emotion in dance SO well. And, right, the contestant! Lauren is definitely climbing my favorites’ list a lot faster than I thought she would. Last week, I thought she was a lot better than the jidges did, and that more or less stands true, this week as well. She seems like one of those girls who definitely took hip-hop at some point or another, so I’m not surprised she did well, but her level of commitment to the dance was what really surprised me. Shanks seemed to pick up on it, and just lauded her with lots of last ditch jidge-y praise, but, in all honesty, I think she deserved it. Look below…
Kent and… Courtney
(Jazz)
Now, normally I hate when people assume the dynamic between a new partnership before it hits, but there’s really no denying the fact that ANY female would chew Kent up and spit him out before he knew what hit him. And, despite the 943839048 gay/Cherub/eunuch jokes that are just bubbling at the surface of the entire rehearsal footage, I have to say, I was yet again endeared by his commitment to a different style. Also, it’s nice to see that, technically, he really IS quite good.
I did it! Now, I can’t promise this will always happen, but for the first recap of the season, you got the whole shebang before the Results Show. If I had to put my money on the bottom three? I’d say: Jose, Cristina, and Ashley.
Tune in tonight and see if I’m right!
6.24.2010
So U Think U Can Krump
6.23.2010
Good Thing You Didn't Call It A Comeback
Yeah, yeah, you probably all pegged it a hell of a better than we did... turns out, willing your new ridiculous workload at the office away doesn't necessarily make it so. In any case, it's my favorite season - So You Think You Can Dance season - so let's try our hand at another attempt, shall we?
Last week marked the first official week of elimination, so I figured, before all the official dance critiquing (read: contestant/judge bashing) a nice rundown of how I see the contestants fairing might be a good kick-off. Or, I did figure that… until learning that they took the previous SYTYCD format and spun it on its axis: only 11 contestants, with only one going home per week, paired up with “all-stars” (milking the fact that we ultimately only sustain our love for the dancers who didn’t necessarily win their seasons). Now, instead, I’ll run down the rookies as well as the oldies but goodies.
NEWBS:
(Boys)
Starting off the list of contestants on this (revamped) season are the obvious choices: Billy Bell and Alex Wong. Why are these two obvious? Well, they made it onto the show already, but didn’t actually get to compete due to mysterious illness and contractual obligations to ballet companies, respectively. Billy, who is more or less Kurt Hummel v.2.0 (clearly HE even thinks so) was the best, if only one of three, thing to happen to the pathetic excuse for Season 6. Because this show feels the need to pander to those high school girls who throw themselves at the gay boys in their school who have yet to come out of the closet (all of you can shut UP about how well I know “that girl”), they allowed Billy Bell’s pretty boy friend (possibly join those two words…?), Robert, from Alvin Ailey to also join the show. Alex is an Asian ballet dancer, and I’m pretty sure nothing more needs to be said about that.
Along with those two is another of this season’s 9348394 contemporary dancers, Kent. Kent is a baby bird who has to ingest his food from the mama bird (Adam Shankman) as she regurges it back up for him. He is a caricature of the concept of “small town boy” and damn it all to hell if even *I* am not pretty endeared by his naivete and unknowing charm. God damn you, Small Town Kent.
Since there’s only so much wholesome a season of daaahhhncers can handle, Nigel & Co. introduced some non-gay WASP contemporary dancers. There’s our (requisite for SYTYCD) from-the-streets, untrained, Hip Hopper, Jose, who is – of course – shockingly adept at all the styles thrown at him. Hopefully it will win over the masses (or at least distract them from his terrible acne). Our other burst of flavor comes in the form of Ade version 2.0. No, really… his name is Adéchiké. And I’d put money that he can do that one fancy arabesque flip, for which we all remember the original Ade. I think the fact that both Ades are on the show will probably, at some point or another, irrationally enrage me. Let’s hope he does some good dances before that moment comes.
(Girls)
With a guys’ lineup, this season, that is SO strong, I’d normally completely write off the girls. Somehow, though, they managed to get a bunch of female dancers that can probably actually hang with the Marks and Pashas and Neils of the returning veterans.
We should probably start it off with my girl crush, Melinda, who, from her first featurette in the audition specials, was positively too cool and I was sure that would hurt her. She’s a tap dancer and her only downfall on the show might be that she’s a little too aware of her showmanship and it might come off less than genuine. That being said, she’s awesome and will look really good on Mark or Neil’s arm!
After my crush, the next two I like are the two contemporary girls, Lauren and Alexie. Alexie has auditioned for the show 93489384 times, apparently, and is the oldest contestant, so I think that will definitely hurt her in the competition. She’s super bubbly, but I clearly just love her for being Asian and on the show. Lauren, quite frankly, looks and sounds like she’d be an idiot (which, in my mind, translates to bad dancer), but is surprisingly really good and is just BEGGING for a Mia Michaels number to be thrown on her. Of course, the show has to hate me, so Mia will be too busy running her mouth (y’know, that part of her we don’t care about) and I’ll be too busy wondering who is issuing tickets to the Hot Tamale Train. Sigh, Mary… I never knew what I had until I lost you…
Rounding out the girls are the last two contestants, who are basically just iterations of contestants in the past: Cristina and Ashley, whose styles are salsa and lyrical, respectively. You two girls better pray for some gooooood choreography to get you fan attention.
______________________________________________
VETS (ahhhhhh!!)
Firstly, I can’t believe I’m so PLEASED by (most of) the “all stars” they decided to bring back for this season!
Lauren Gottlieb:
Lauren was one of my not-the-best-dancer-but-I-loooove-you favorites from Season 3. Since then, she has gone on to only be more awesome and finally reached her full potential, by being the “Galileo! Galileo!” girl/principle dancer in Vocal Adrenaline’s “Bohemian Rhapsody” from Regionals this year (below). Brittany, I love you, but eat your heart out.
Mark Kanemura:
Comfort Fedoke:
So remember how I said I was pleased with MOST OF the all stars they brought back? Here is my one exception. Comfort wouldn’t even have any fame to claim, on this show, had she not gotten to come back (after being booted off) and draw a hip hop routine with Twitch’s name. Speaking of Twitch…
Stephen “Twitch” Boss:
While my love for Twitch waned over the course of Season 4 (mostly because that is still, to date, the best danced season of this show), it did not completely die. Or, at least, watching his Mia Michaels performance of “Mercy” with Katee certainly takes care of it.
Kathryn McCormick:
Kathryn was one of those contestants who came in as a nobody, with no fandemonium, and managed to actually fight her way to the top. She made it to the finale in a really lackluster season, so it’s difficult to tell if she can hang with the best of them during this one.
Pasha Kovalev:
Pasha is the greatest thing, ever, and probably one of the only performers on this show whose feature during the Auditions Special actually remained memorable (see below). Although, whether THAT particular number stands out among seven seasons of auditions because of him or because of Anya, it's tough to say. Speaking of Anya...
Anya Garnis:
Despite now being a blonde, Anya is still the greatest female ballroom dancer this show has ever had. If we can't have Mary to give us ballroom critique, the least we could have is some Anya to make sure that it's perfection.
Allison Holker:
Allison's return to the SYTYCD stage/dancing in general is possibly the greatest thing this season has managed to do. Nothing can express the broken pieces that were formally collectively known as my heart when she told us all that she'd taken time away from dance to have a baby. Look, Allison, babies are cool or whatever... but no baby is going to make us love you like your dancing will. Keep that in mind the next time you decide to have a god damn baby.
Ade Obayomi:
There are two things Ade did, during his season, that got him to "all star" status: this and this. I don't think much more really needs to be said.
Nail Haskell:
I'm pretty sure Neil is the reason I started watching this show. Yes, he's hot, and, yes, it seems that he can do flippies and bendies better than any man should, but he's also unbearably endearing and is one of the dancers who has grown the most over the course of his given season.
Courtney Galiano:
Courtney was just really pretty and fun and conveniently partnered with Gev (earning her a lot of his fans' votes by default). But, then came "The Garden", and no one ever questioned her place on this show ever again. If that wasn't enough, between Camp Rock and Vocal Adrenaline, she's clearly made strides in trying to win me over in the other avenues of my life since her tenure on this show. In fact, she was even one of the preggo teens during Quinn's impressive-yet-borderline-disturbing James Brown ode in Glee.
At this point, I've reviewed all of the rookies and vets who are dancing and arabesquing their hearts out on the SYTYCD stage, this year. Let the recaps begin...
6.22.2010
While I work on it...
There WILL be SYTYCD recaps coming, I promise! Until then... to tide you all over...
2.11.2010
Don't Call it a Comeback!
Alright, fine, you can. Sometimes you don't realize how great something is until it's gone. With that thought in mind, we're ready to revamp and renew (especially now that Google has ensured greater accessibility to the masses)! Sure, there have been oodles and oodles of events that have transpired in our absence... but, in staying true to ourselves, the driving force to bring us back to the fine world of Snoop Bloggy Blog is none other than the event OF THE DECADE (the new one -- not that one we just got done eulogizing): the final season of LOST!!
Rather than wordy recaps - though, don't get too comfortable, those will come back as soon as these bicycle wheels start turning (or that's at least applicable to the half who CAN ride a bike) - let's dive back into the world of MB with some good 'ol fashioned stream-of-consciousness-live-blogging-Losty-splicey conversation:
[Key: S, R]
8:02 PM
AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
WHO is a fucking baller?
i missed my calling as a racecar driver.
yayyy
oh shit
it's going to crash again
whattttttttt
this is just showing us how different they look, now
or is this just the first time
or is it?
i don't know!
i should've paid better attention
i feel like, b/c of my lost skit for work, i've watched this scene ssooooo many times
8:06 PM
landddd in la?
underwater?
with charlie?!
and that shark!
FOUND.
sorry
i found the shark
AHH!
FOOT!
wouldn't that be great if that were the new show?
"FOOT"
hahha
du sex machina
is what we've decided just happened
that is something gross
whatever you just said
robot sex
that is the end of my sister's keeper
the depravity over there
deux ex machina.
but pronounced
du sexy machina
8:10 PM
AAH
why this again
i hate seeing her die
THEY KEEP SHOWING ME!
she had such a look of bliss when those chains dragged her to the gravel pit
metal pit
kate
i know her eyes
duh
bc we're lovers
well, she's the only girl
and those are girl eyes
whatre you two doininatree
why is she muffled?
she's underwater
my ears are popped
oh, so it's you too
phew.
i thought the fates really WERE against me
and my tv was dying
is this the POV of the smoke monster?
why are we hearing like her?
can anybody hearrr meee?
we weren't first person videogaming her
your car
what's he doing there
he was there
black rock?
he was saving his daddy
8:14 PM
is this a choose your adventure?!
is one of these people esau?
isn't that the entire show?
hasn't it always been?
mamwabasa
stop yelling.
maybe juliet is down there
but why the muffled noises?
these are all fair points that sawyer is making
okay so they're just going to show us both sides of the coin
and never tell us which actually happened
oh yeahhhh, THIS guy
people LOVE him
like.... the crazy fans
taecher
like caesar
8:17 PM
so if it had worked, it would've changed their whole past?
that doesn't make sense
shouldn't it just take them back to that point in time?
well, the electromagnetic blah blah is the reason those numbers even existed
aw, jin
and his fantastic engrish speaking
mmm
he speaks better engrish than i do
i wonder if he'll know engrish in the world where it worked
my korean should play this guy
juliet!
AHHHHHHHH
i thought they told me she was dead
slkfjsdfkljflk
darlton said!
but she's on V!!!
haha, hurley
do we know where his name come from?
no!
i just asked that here
and no one knows
jing?!
NO FAIR!
i want a shoutout!!
or nothing we know of them
if jin says "no" maybe it'll sound like "ro"
or if vincent does
thom yorke
sam mendes
he's way more sam mendes than thom yorke
did hurley ever meet jakey?
oh, in the cab
after jail
right
yeah
geetar
they hate each other again
BOOOOOONE!!
love love love love
why is he playing damon salvator?
loveeeeeeeeee
he's so vampy
instead of boone mcawesome
he didn't use to be vampy
yo, that's at the bottom of an ocean... there's no fire.
turn into the smoke monstie!
do it
it's a biodome
sidus lipidus!
(me?)
meh, good enough.
brendan fraser gained weight
this is the jew's daughter from venice
who now?
ilanalooloo
merchant of venice, she plays al pacino's daughter
8:29 PM
soo can you tell me quickly about bai ling?
what about her?
what was her character again?
blogs told me she had 99.7% chance of coming back?
some skank in thailand
that portion was a documentary
lord.
i thought that teacher dude did
i think they were yanking your chain
gross
they are going to find a talking skeleton
behind this rubble
8:34 PM
he was hooking up with a french teen in a hole in the wall?
that is what is being said here
the guitar thing happened, right?
why is hurley stupid?
kate is a bitch
i fainted on the plane
good thing jack is there
8:40 PM
ahh! tracheo!
icky
really?
magically he's better?
should've just carried a mary
this is like when i fell through the rebar on the construction site
it sucks to have small feet, sawyer, i know
they're so perf!!!
HA fooled you! i wasn't sleeping!!
that DOES seem like a nice place to take a nap
it's like our cabana
this makes me cryyyy
i love them
shut up
go away kate
8:44 PM
hurley is annoying me
well, i mean dead is dead
so... you just gotta bring 'em dead
yeah but he was alive when hurley was all "supposeeee i asked you about this hole in the wall where you take french teens, but only hypothetically"
30 years where i've looked like this
but you gotta take them when they're dead
b/c they come back to life
who are these people again?
taileypoes?
the people on ajira stone cold steve austin 316
is that where you ask the smoke monster about your daughter you let die?
oh right
8:46 PM
that's not how protection works, faux locke
loyalty is a weird thing
he turned to smokes!
is jacob a chili pepper?
or a bug!
a scarab!
it IS brendan fraser!
this is the mummy
aw, i love this smokey
elephant
8:54 PM
aw, charlie.
oh my god i can't take this
go to the temple
good lord, how long did that take?
they're going to crash, i bet
he was posed to diee
jack sucks
ruins everything
damn, oceanic air has got some recliiiiiining seats.
9:08 PM
his dad probs did turn into smokey the bear robinson
and exhausted out the plane
ohhh
well, that's an emissions issue
if only they regulated that
i'm telling you
cop15 maybe
COP20 could've really done some stuff
9:15 PM
native others
before dharma
huh?
do those even exist?
dunno
why are they trying to make THIS reality exciting?
how does she think she's going to get out of the bathroom
they're not lost
it's not exciting
i don't care about her
she's going to stab him
kick it open
also... he didn't hear her peeing
yeah
undig her!
how long after the mom dies would the baby die?
do you think the fall did it?
she did fall on a hanger
how does he do this?
maybe now HE is pregnant
oh...
umm
what.
ew.
what?
shut up.
what
how
she just said it didn't
he lied
i think she was finally able to conceive
that worked
his peen
george takei just sliced his hand
they do have to be dead to be broughten back
I know
what is this hour glass?
b/c ben was dead
but he was never the same or whatever the hell
how do you know that?
b/c ben was dead
i don't remember this at all
and then richard took him
well, we never saw this part of it
but sayid shot ben
little harry potter ben
and then kate and jack were all "he's just a kid!"
and took him to eyeliner
and then apparently this shit happened
and now he's just dead dead?
hm
kate likes to hover
and then tell people to stop
and then say he's dead
kate needs to STFU
i mean, she's not talking now
but, in general
ooooh, what GAYOS
kissing!
ohhh, i see
yeah, i'm going back to "kate needs to STFU"
heh?
gayos? i missed that bit
no
it was just CPR
9:42 PM
isn't this what happened in her past
hello tess
who are zac and emma?
oh did the shinto need them to be there in order to save sayid?
marijuanaa
i think zac and emma are the taily kids who were stolen
mm
remember how the tailypos got, like, nightly attacks by the others?
sorry
right
miles? locke?
huhhhh???
smokey locke knows what locke thought when benry killed him
i wonder how
oh
yep
we're closer
that IS confusion
good word, smokey
to a forest?
i hate to break it to him
but his forest probs doesn't exist
what abot walt's comic books?
i just want them to answer something
instead of asking me more questions
does hurley know miles can talk to the deads?
ughhhhhhhhhhh
i thought everyone did
miles looked at hurley funny
when hurley said he'd be there for sayid
9:56 PM
ah
this is spinal tap
on the house?!
what is this
wait
they're in the FUTURE?
okay so they're back in the same time, which is the present?
so jack et al are back in 2007 but don't realize? is that what juliet meant it worked?
also, you'd think smokey locke would use something better than the self-defense steps they tell laydeez to use when an attacker approaches
comp's going to die
And, with that, we're back!
10.02.2009
Is your dad a terrorist?
Because, baby, you're the bomb!
That is my favorite pick-up line of all time, and a contributing reason's to R's mail being held for weeks and her father being put on the CIA watch-list. My bad.
Last night's Fringe got back on the bigger-picture track, revealing a little more about the fight we're in against an unknown enemy and the side-effects of traveling between realities, and our favorite character of all! But I will save that for the dramatic ending.
Police Officer Dizzy Gillespie gets a call from KFC telling him to go to the train station and find a trenched man and take his briefcase. When the briefcase walks into the station, all of the cool Euro flippy train scheds start to flip out (ha) and when Dizzy touches the briefcase, he starts to crystallize and suddenly esplodes.
While stationed in Iraq, Dizzy, along with The Colonel, was a part of Project Tin Man, clearly related to the human bomb business. Asalam Alakum-ing some peeps from his shady past in Iraq, Peter is able to find one of the Tin Man doctors and learn all about the bomb business. Everyone on the team was exposed to some cyan cerulean chemical and the injections were the anecdote, but then Tin Man got a heart and the project was over. But The Colonel did not want it to be over, and started setting off human bombs all over. His next bomb is a lady, who is on her way to the train station now.
The team spots her on the way and sets up snipers at the station. Even though they only have 30 seconds after the radio is turned on before she kabooms, they don't jam it immediately so they can have a chance of finding and apprehending The Colonel. Except the radio station garbles their triangles and jam, so they can neither find Colonel or stop the signal. But Peter rides in on his white horse and finds The Colonel with his eyes. He beats him up like heroes do and Olivia takes his Walkman and stomps it with her cane that she can't bowl without.
Meanwhilst all this saving the world is happening, Lebowski fixes Liv's limp and Betty Draper hand-shakes by angering it out of her. Miracle worker!
Back at the FBI, The Colonel swears he was just trying to destroy the contents of the briefcase with his bombs, the dead people was just an unfortunate side-effect. He talks about "them", "they" who are collecting information - ALIEN BALDIES who are paparazzi-ing Walt! Is he good? Is he bad? Is he just a huge Joshua Jackson fan? (Watch it, Baldy.)
The end. Spock and the WTC next week!
9.26.2009
Honey, I mutated the Baby
Things were really picking up on this show, and then they gave us this throw-away episode. But in case any of this matters later, here is my throw-away recap:
Apparently it's been three weeks since last week, and Olivia is now ready to be released from the hospital. How is it your face scratches still look so fresh after three whole weeks? Voldy Charlie - remember he was pronged by Voldy and is not really the Charlie we love, but at least he's being given a couple episodes before being totally fired - is keeping close to Liv so she'll tell him about her alter-universe encounter with Bell if/when she remembers.
There's a dead construction worker, who happens to be the latest in a string of similar engulfed-by-the-earth-and-left-for-dead-underground deaths. And so the team investigates! Walter finds some blue goo, which is partly humanly DNAey and a paralyzer goo. There is one man, Dr. Dre, about town whose house all the deaths seem to land under and he is taken into custody. He sobs a story about how his wife died during childbirth and so he would never hurt anyone because he knows how sad death makes people, but then he refuses to give up a goo-matching DNA sample all suspect-like. He is put into a holding cell where he Macgyvers a noose and hangs himself.
The team pushes daisies and pulls up wife and kid's coffins, only to find baby's coffin empty and a tunnel where he burrowed his way out. Upon poking and bringing back to life and questioning and poking again, Walter finds that wifey had super Lupus, meaning she couldn't possibly have given birth. But she did. Because Dr. Dre stemmed the fetus with scorpion cells to make it more resilient, thusly creating a Scorpion Baby that kills people.
Liv's adventure in the other world left her with Sookie's (Suh keh...) powers of hearing every sound and thought in the world at once. Among these sounds was breathing in Dre's house, which was clearly Scorp hanging out in the walls. Liv and Peter find a tunnel in the basement similar to the baby grave one, and while sticking her face where it doesn't belong, Liv was attacked by Scorp and pulled underground. Like the perfy he is, Joshy followed her and smashed Scorp who was then further smashed by Sheriff Holly Golightly's cop car that fell through the earth onto his head. The cleanup crew finds bear traps all over the yard to suggest Dr. Dre knew about his killer baby, but who cares because it has no obvious connection to anything else going on on this show.
Nina Sharp visits Liv and gives her a bowling card with one stamp left until a free game and tells her to go see the Big Lebowski for her psychological pains. Which she does, and he is the always-the-bridesmaid-never-the-bride actor from all those Boston gangster movies and shows (The Departed, The Black Donnellys, Grounded For Life...).
Charlie goes to Borgin and Burkes and types on the writer, which mirrors him to "do something to help Olivia remember what happened." Dun-dun-dun (in monotone).
Good on you if you read that whole thing, but you didn't have to because none of it mattered. Sorry.
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