OK, so maybe I am a teensy bit germa-phobic. Just a smidge (shut up R, I can hear you scoffing from way over here). And maybe I think it is a good idea to occasionally douse everything in one’s apartment with a boiling solution of bleach. And maybe I once had a little bit of a dependence-type problem relating to prescription drugs (they really oughta warn kids in school about the allure of antibiotic eyedrops.)But I do NOT overreact to little baby symptoms or start popping amoxicillin as soon as I sneeze.
And that is why I feel very confident in diagnosing myself as the first case of Swine Flu in Hokkaido, Japan.
People here have been going on and on about Hokkaido being a "safe haven" from Swine Flu and zombie attacks and so on. But you know how I spell haven? B-O-R-I-N-G. Sound it out. Yea, that's right.
It’s an awesome feeling, really. I mean, there ain’t no one else on this whole damn island who’s got what I got. And you know I’m gonna be on TV cuz of this, right? Maybe sporting an open backed hospital gown, surgical mask, and IV combo. I can’t guarantee the open-backed gown, but, as they say, beggars can’t always be choosers (choosey? I’m never sure about that one). Anyway, the point is, it’s a sure shot ticket to fame and recognition, for alllll the right reasons.
Now, before you try and tell me that self-diagnosis is not reliable, let me assure you, I realize that. Obviously, I checked web MD. I have: 1. A sore throat and 2. Slight bodily aches. I mean, come on now. You can’t fight that kinda evidence.
You may try and tell me the sore throat is from three extended karaoke sessions in as many days. And that the bodily aches are a result of my doing my pilates dvd for the first time in 3 months. But I am here to tell you that you can’t rain on my parade, burst my bubble, poop on my party or do any other clichéd nay-saying things.
My concern is this; they say that Swine Flu is like a weak strain of Flu Classic, and I am a very very healthy, young, and beautiful woman. In a robust state like that, how am I to prevent losing the one thing that makes me special???
How am I to stop my virile white blood cells from dividing and conquering my prized H1N1 (Literally! Ha! Get it? Do you? Ok people, work with me – DIVIDE and conquer . . . Y’know, like cells? Miosis and mitosis and myopia and that stuff? Do you see? Very good).
I can’t sink back into obscurity! I had plans for a daytime talk show! I was going to do school and prison appearances!
I implore you, Suggestions, please!
Best idea gets a $100 Barnes and Noble gift certificate!!*
*certificate not guaranteed
2 comments:
as resident expert on proverbs and the like, i think that it is "beggars can't be cheese herds"
i hate to burst your poopy parade bubble, but i think the person to get the majority of the press will be the savage a-merry-can who most recently visited the normally-safe island of hokkaido.
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