Suddenly, I regret watching men

So I, like [number to be updated when projections release] bazillion (I dig hyperbole) others, went and saw Watchmen last night. Upon leaving the theatre, I kept thinking "wow, that was really visually stunning (my go-to phrase when I have nothing else to say about a film)," but I didn't REALLY think about whether or not I liked the movie, seeing as I'm like a snow globe when it comes to movies (gotta let the little silver flakes settle before I get the picture). But then, when enough of my friends professed their desire to hear my thoughts about the movie, I realized that (a) I didn't love it (Jing, on gchat: so overall, you didnt love it?) and (2) I actually feel like telling others why.

Now, I should start this off with a disclaimer that I am by no means any sort of critic. Merely an observer. So I won't go into camera angles or about how shots were "beautifully filmed" (despite my need to try and see movies through the eyes of Papa Victoria Claire), or any discussion about acting ability -- who the hell would go to see a sci-fi movie for ACTING, anyway? (shut up, Dark Knight fans). I will, instead, just say this: I am now more familiar with Billy Crudup's fake blue CGI pee-pee than with anything else in my life. Sure, he's radioactive and blue and naked, but you shocked us once, scene approximately 17 min. into the film, do you need to keep sneaking up on us? Especially, when we're FINALLY past getting through all the unlikelihoods (Nixon voted HOW MANY terms??) of this post-American win in Vietnam, pre-apocalyptic nuclear war with the commies alternate universe and onto whatever plot was left. Because, really, for being blue and able to do whatever the hell he wants to whomever the hell he wants, wherever the hell he wants, Dr. Manhattan was more or less Harry Potter in Book 5, bitching and moaning - without ACTUALLY bitching and moaning (the latter reserved for the dirrrrrty sex scenes). Speaking of the explicit content, we get it: you're a movie about how, in reality, society is more inclined to villify, exploit, shun, and/or drive to neuroses any super heroes that could exist... so you're not a family flick. But, I gotta tell you, going Grind House on the bloody fight scenes and getting to Charlton Heston-movie lengths only by throwing in 948390384 min. long sex scenes are not only indicative that this movie is a buzzkill, but that it's pretty transparent.

There were oodles of other things wrong with Watchmen, but I'm sure the industry of critics will do justice to them in their various (actually read) blogs - and they'll probably have stars or thumbs or something to go with 'em. I just knew, after stewing on the movie for a day or so, that I'd be remiss if I didn't say at least a few (too many) words. You're welcome.