Someone hand Mary Murphy an Ambien!

So (You Think You Can Dance), I'd like to start off by saying that my original intent for my SYTYCD recaps was to recap each individual night, but my lack of enthusiasm for this Top 20 eppy combined with my plans that kept me from seeing tonight's Results Show at its original air time has me consolidating (we must not waste in these times).



Performance Show:

Wednesday night's show was suuuuuper lackluster for me, so I'll try to go as quickly as a 394834 hr. long episode with 39483904384 contestants will allow me to go. Firstly, Shanks was the guest jidge, so that was nice because it opened up possibilities for ANY and ALL of the show's choreographers to do they thang. Except for Mia Michaels, since apparently she can't do the ONE THING she can actually constructively add to this show by choreographing super angsty contemporary numbers with arbitrary stationary props (YouTube "sytycd" along with one of the following: "park bench," "door," or "bed"). No, apparently, Mia Michaels is off somewhere offending more of our armed forces! Hmph.

First, they did a montage of all the weeks we've already put into this show. You know, just to remind us that we already have our favorites, based solely on their sob stories and the 0.00004 second clips we were given on each dancer. That is, if we were even GIVEN background stories. One of the best recurring themes of the night was Nigel's constant reminders to contestants as to whether or not they have fan followings... y'know, the very fan followings HE and HIS TEAM of producers perpetuated by giving people like Ch'Beeby and Brandon David half an episode of air time. Will wonders...?

Then we (finally!) moved on to the competition. The first couple was the perfect example of the 'have fans' and the 'have not fans' on this show. Ch'Beeby is everyone's favorite and we love him and he's adorable and he moves his arms like they're J-E-L-L-O...Aliiiiive! (Let us momentarily forget that, as they are appendages of a moving, breathing being, they kinda are) Philly's partner, however, is some señorita they plucked straight from her quinceañera whom I ain't never seen. Lucky her for getting paired with the Gev redux. They had them some Nappy Tabs lyrical hip-hop about throwing the bed a-achooo! I guess I didn't really have to watch the dance to know that I would think that Ch'Beeby was uhmaaayzing and Gabriella Montez was just aiight. But, then, the jidges disagreed (and Mary screamed), decided Gabby was the second coming of Tabitha, herself, and that's where our paths diverged. And they remained diverged.

Next up, was Asuka(r Wilde) and Victor Victrola/Tunde Adabimpe/Matthew Abaddon/the Haitian (an aside: how much do I love "fanvids"?!). They had Broadway with Tyce (aww), and when it later sucked, the jidges were all "ohhhh, what a bummer that you had to follow up a routine with so much emooootion and feeeeeling and.." SHUT THE HELL UP. These jidges weren't born yesterday, they know that a super peppy, super smiley B'way routine - to a number from a musicale that everyone KNOWS - is usually the recipe for success. Let's call a spade a spade, people: they sucked. And no one wants to admit it less than I, seeing as I love Asuka(r Wilde) and am willing to buy into The Haitian's story of his war-torn past.

The third number was by faaaar the one that made me most lose faith in the jidges. I'm fairly sure that they just originally let 18 people into the Top 20 as an oversight, and then just picked up some folk off the street and threw them into the mix. I've never seen these kids before in a single second of the audition weeks, and I have the DVR backlog to prove that I've made a slight attempt to find them. Apparently, David Archuleta, here, is a salsa dancer and this other girl, SomethingOrAnother, is a somethingoranother dancer. They're both supes boring and they were given the samba or the salsa or the guacamole (to Lady Ga Ga, no less!) and they were B-A-D SHIT. Not even Archie's sheer topped nipples could distract me from this crap. The jidges (Mary screaming), however, were too blinded by the strobe lights going off IN their corneas to note the bad dancing. Given that I'm a realist and recognize some of the superhuman feats accomplished on this show, it should not be taken lightly when I say that *I* could have danced this better.

Thennnnn, and finally!, came my Kazsdlkjurizak brother and his unremarkable partner, Randi. I was at first pretty bummed for my Kaz...zak, because Randi is just some small town, sparkly-eyed, muscular-legged, bobby-haired PYT and I figured that she only knew how to pirhouette and grande jeté and jazz hand it and - I'll admit it - I. Was. Wrong. (for this week) See, Randi might be all those things (and married! Eep!), but she can get down and dirrty to a sexy Tyce routine. And, MAN!, did I love me some of this routine. (So did Mary. She screamed.) I think every single one of these choreographers should just make it his or her mission to give Kaz...zak (& partner) the smoooooothest numbers. Me thinks me have a favy (person, not routine)! Sigh...

After the commercials were Tony Toni Tone and Paris the Annoying. Seeing as the two of them were given a fair amount of camera time in the auditions, I'd assumed that Paris would be good - but annoying, did I mention annoying? - and T^3 would try reeaaaally hard. Except that a number of things happened that I couldn't have anticipated:
(1) Nappy Tabs were up again, but they gave up their bread 'n butter, lyrical hippity hop, for some hard, grimey, nasty, ill, tight, dope, fre-Zzzzz... Black Eyed Peas hypemachine-esque remix, which leads me to...
(B) the song was alllll bass and single beats, meaning T3 and Contemporary Lacey Schwimmer in a tutu needed to hit everything extra HARD, which...
(III) They didn't.
All in all, it was bad and made me think I was getting old and losing my memory when I tried to remember what Tony the Tiger's own genre of dance might be. I mean, there's no way a hip hop dancer could do ssooooo terribly at his own genre, right? Wrong.

Then, came the Bollywood number. The pairing of Caitlin Kinney and Jason is a little unfair because they're both contemporary dancers who can clearly master other styles. I guess maybe that's not unfair, that's just what ALL the dancers on this show ought to be. Anyway, they got Bollywood, which again is unfair, because it's bound to be high energy and the jidges have no clue how to judge it other than (Mary screaming, and the others) saying how "hard it must have been" or what "great performers" they are. I'm going to refrain from critiquing the B'wood number, because they tried to employ some classical steps in there that I can, with quite certainty, say were not done well. I suppose, at the end of the day, it doesn't matter, since everyone will love it anyway. Good news is, I like the two of them and think they'll at least make it far enough on the show to test how well they'll do with other partners.

After that was Brandon David and Billy Jeanine, the spicy latina. Every single ounce of me hoped that they hadn't wasted the inevitable BranDave vs. MiaMike showdown on the first eppy. Of course, as you already know, they didn't, and I half suspect that Mia didn't choreograph on this episode because they were afraid that BranDave miiiiight pick her name out of the hat. They got the fox trot and danced to Michael Buble, so I was into it. I will say that Brandon David may be strong, but he doesn't seem too great at partnering. For whatever reason, Nigel&Co. seemed to miss the fact that BD was more or less ignoring BJ unless she gazed longingly at him, but that's fine because we don't honestly expect them to go home anytime soon anyway, do we (especially with Mary screaming like that)? Exactly. So, let's move on, shall we?

I thought that the pairing of Ku'puo'auia'uaioa'aui'oau'aono and Christina Ricci would really annoy me, because he's just the poor man's version of Mark and she's just a little kid who doesn't understand that "no means NO" (see, this is her fourth time auditioning for the show, so I'm pretty sure there's a clause that MADE them take her on). I guess either I was wrong or Wade Robson is a miracle worker -- my money's on the latter. He turned them into super fluid moving crash test dummies in probably the most clever (yet even Mary, mid-scream, got it) love story ever danced on the show. I'm ssooooooo happy Wade's back, this season! (Mostly, because I think it'll keep Mia's ego in check)

Then came Ade and the Dirrty Ballerina. I was pretty indifferent toward them until I found out that the Dirrty Ballerina is an OLD Dirrty Ballerina, and I was hooked back in. Turns out, ODB was MADE for some contemporary, seeing as her feet were pointed during the entire routine. So, Aubrey O'Day and ODB frolicked off to some '80s ballad that had Mandy Moore written allll over it. It was pretty standard, cliche contemporary, but it was good (Mary screamed) so I'll hold my complaints.



Last, but most definitely not least, was the samba with Russian Max and Daddy Issues Kayla. I like Kayla, because she's tall and blonde and she looks like one of those girls who wouldn't know how to dance but then - and here's the kicker - she DOES! Max automatically has my love, because he's another Russian ballroom dancer and I can't WAIT for him to do some hip hop! I'll settle for the samba. It was definitely THE BEST performance of the night (ohhh my good god, someone shut Mary Murphy the fuck up PLEASE?) and seemed to hold some sort of other worldly magic that managed to turn Shanks into a lesbian... for Kayla. I had to agree with him in that I barely noticed that Fearless Leader was there, what with a real live Barbie doll shimmying and writhing and batu-what'siting in a neon pink, fringed dress. Still, it was amazing (a few missed steps, here and there, but by far the best in show) and it made Shanks rip his face off of his head.

Results Show:

As I was recapping the performances, I realized that even THOSE made it obvious who'd be in the bottom 3. Yep, you guessed it: Asuka(r) and Tunde Adabimpe, Antonio and Paris the Tutu, and David Archuleta and WhateverTheHell.

The solos were nothing remarkable. I was really surprised and disappointed with Paris Schwimmer, who just did a series of arabesques and pirhouettes. They weren't even GOOD pirhouettes! I think Asuka(r the Grouch) is taking this "sexy Asian dancer" bit a little far. She was even moving her body like a snake, ma, on my sweet, sweet Cat Deely. Ambiguously ethnic David Archuleta's partner was just okay, but she's obviously watched the show enough times to know that they want contemporary dancers to have jerky movements every 4 seconds. T^3 did some locking, which was stupid, because he's a tall white boy. Tunde Adabimpe's solo was actually pretty good, but of course Nigel wanted "more personality". I can't wait until Tunde performs, ends up sobbing on the floor, turns to the jidges, and says "you asked for it!" David Archuleta was - you guessed it! - bad.

I have to say, I WAS surprised that the jidges didn't keep the crowd favorites (Tony Toni Tone and his adoring public) around for the first bit and get rid of the nobodies (David Archuleta and BlahBlah). Instead, Paris and Tony (I give everyone their due respect on their last mentions) were bid adieu, and it was for the best since they both clearly sucked.

All in all, I'd say this week was okay... and nowhere NEAR as remarkable and unbelievable and amaaaayzing the jidges seemed to think it was. All I have to say about next week is this: Mia Michaels, you better show. your. face.

::DanceDanceDanceDance...::