When did this become 'Dancing With the Stars'?

So, avid reader(s?), you may notice that there is a glaring hole in what was promising to be a rather continuous recapping of that little, under-the-radar reality competition show we like to call So You Think You Can Dance (Dance, Dance, Dance). Instead of analytically viewing the original airing, I chose instead to contribute my weighty 0.0000004% to Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen's 5-day earnings. I just love those indie documentaries, I can't help it! But after watching my recording of the episode, I decided I was so annoyed by the entire thing that it would be best if I just left well enough alone.
But, alas, it seems karma is a bitch -- and I daresay Richard Lawson, of Gawker Media Network notoriety, is her son. As I've sat, rapt with hope, waiting for Mr. Lawson to write one of his famed recaps of the Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion, only to subsequently die inside after finding out that he's leaving the esteemed gawker.com, I've realized how these little incongruities can really leave the readers (mostly his, really) with a heavy heart. Unable to bear doling out that kind of heartache, I give you what will perhaps be my shortest double recap…

Performance Show:

The first thing that set me off was that "Hey, Mickey, you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind" was the guest jidge. Waayyyy to put me in my place, SYTYCD, because if I thought Little Sea made me want to gouge my eyes out, I'm about ready to fall, face-first, into a bed of nails with Toni Basil. You see, I'm pretty sure that the cross-section of the public that considers TB's "street dancing" (I still don't imagine this to be anything more than those bone-breakers who bone-break about Brooklyn) to be representative of hip hop as a genre are probably the same "folks" who find Perez Hilton representative of the gay movement. Every time it was her turn to "critique", I was made ever so thankful for the fast-forward button on my DVR.

As for the dances? Well, I literally only liked two of them. Brandon David and Enchilada's "rock meets rap" Dave Scott hip-hop was purely done to demonstrate Mia Michaels' fallibility -- BD was uh-maaay-zing (to borrow one of her 'isms') at hipping and hopping. The cherry on top was their use of a song that was NOT "Walk This Way". Enchilada was also good, but she still hasn't quite learned how to turn off the performance after the performance. In her defense, she WAS dressed as Cher.

The other amazing piece - by far, my favorite of the night - was Kaz…zak and Randi the Married's (butt) contemporary by Mia Michaels (below). I agreed with Nigel in that it was the most simple that Mia had ever made choreo, but thank god for it! The easy French/Vaudeville feel to Kaz…zak (the perfect)'s leeeering man was a perfect compliment to Randi's derrière. It was well performed and made me finally believe that gosh darn Randi actually WILL be able to get over her girl-next-door façade and take on any performance.

As for the other numbers? They were a smattering of: misplaced jazz hands during hip-hop (What'shername and David Archuleta), glorified tumbles and splits in awkward onesies (Asuka(r Wilde) and Vitrola), forced - not controlled, there IS a difference, dear jidges - movements that neither "flowed" nor "look[ed] sexy" (Miss Havisham and Aid), the worst combination of "Carmina Burana" and Sexy-Princess Leia costume in the history of television (The GYMNAST - not dancer - Caitlin and Jason Danny Glover), and low-energy pant splitting Broadway (Ch'Beeby and Jeanine). I will, however, give an honorable mention to Kayla the Great and Ku'uou'uao'p'uoa'auu'no, who danced a Viennese Waltz… which, as the jidges said, will never evoke a super emphatic response. That being said, I was surprised that Ku'uou'uao'p'uoa'auu'no didn't erupt in erratic movement and was actually able to find some strength in those string beans he calls arms to lift the perfectly graceful Kayla into the air.

Results Show:

The results show was barely worth mentioning. The group dance was a travesty. It was blatantly evident that Big Boss Nigel wasn't pleased with the lack of bawwwlrum group dances, and sent Mary Murphy off to the dungeon, where they keep the leashed-up choreographers for the show, to come back with anyone remotely latino sounding - nevermind that 2/3 of the choreography team specialized in hip hop. And thus we were given a "latin ballroom routine" to Pitbull.

There was such a large pool of crap couples from which to choose, this week, America justifiably threw Result Show Week 1's pairs (along with the makers of that woefully tragic - NOT in a good way - paso doble, Caitlin and Jason) into the Bottom Three. For whatever reason, the jidges saw any dance that actually had movement as "desperate" and anything that didn't as "lacking in emotion". The most simultaneously desperate and emotionless were Asuka and Jonathan (Archuleta), and so we bid them adieu, but for the large part, no one cared. I suppose it's only a matter of time before What'shername and Vitrola leave us as well, but until then…