...and I'm sitting on my pilates ball in the States, you can listen to these and think of me/us.Gwenny Gwen Gwen - Harajuku GirlsVampy Weekend - WalcottRa Ra Riot - Run My Mouth Oh, my days will end so slow
Discovery - Osaka Loop Line The two previous, together as one!
Utada Hikaru - Easy BreezyChiddy Bang - Day N Nite I'm telling you, it's better than the orig.
The Pillows - Moon MargaretRaisin Murphy - Ramalama Bang Bang Who put the ram in the Ramalama Bang Bang?Baby V - Come Back To Me But, really.
4.30.2009
When you're on a fuselage to Japan...
4.29.2009
Forget swine flu, spinal syphilis is the new "it" illness
Fringe last night combined two sexy things: vampyrres and STDs. Doctor Scientist Boone (aside: it's not that Boone, but wouldn't it be great if Fringe and Lost did some cross-over thing? Just me? 'Kay.) Doctor Scientist Boone used to work for the ZFT making orifice sealing powders and reviving extinct species of syphilis, until he decided the gang life was not for him and he tried to leave. That ain't how it do on the skreets, Boone. So ZFT snatched his wifey and infected her with the syph (not as ringy as "the clap" but you'll take it) and maybe some Rob Patty blood, which turned her into a spinal fluid sucking lady of the nightclub.
Once cute men started showing up dead with serious hickies and their spines sapped, the gang got to tracking down the guy who ordered the dead strain of syph found on the victims' napes. Paging Doctor Scientist Boone, you're under arrest. Boone agrees to tell Olivia all he knows about the ZFT if she brings back his wife alive so he can anecdote (again, I know) her.
Sideplot: Olivia's sister's hubs is divorcing her and tryna take her baby. Shoulda signed a prenup! Are children included in prenups? Anywhooo, Joshy's reaction was more "friend who cares" than "dude who crushes" so I have decided they're not doing it. Good, because she is married! What is this sister's deal, anyway, why is she on this show? Good question.
Back to the action: While Pacey's cute face goes to bait the laydee at the Dirty Wrench industrial cloob, Boone and Walt (Gawd, JJ, stop confusing me with these Losty names!) are getting along swimmingly, sharing regrets and fixin' up an anti-syph cocktail. Boone, who had been feeding his wifey his own spinal fluid and is now chair-ridden, convinces Walter to take his last little bit to make the potion. La dee da, they catch the vampyrre and treat her, but not before Boone has a stroke and dies. Damn, now we'll never know about ZFT.
Psych! He videoed (EIEIEOed?) all the secrets he knew about ZFT and left it for Liv. Shocking twist that we knew all along: William Bell, head of evil corporation Massive Dynamic and Walt's old lab partner, is somehow involved. What a waste of a VHS. So next week we will learn about what receptionist extraordinaire Nina Sharp is hiding about Alexander Graham Drake William Saved by the. And and and! ALIEN BALDY IS BACK! Now if only Joshy could get more than three (bad) lines total in an eppy...
4.26.2009
Ho hum, pig's... flu??
You know, I'd met a lot of pigs in my time in New York. I just never thought they'd stoop so low. But, I suppose it's as the saying goes: What's one man's freak swine influenza outbreak is another man's excuse to watch the muppets.
4.23.2009
Sweet dreams are made of this
This, being insight into a crazy's powers of suicide/murder persuasion. Y'know, the yooj. Oscar-winning Akiva Goldsman, whose most acclaimed work includes Lost in Space, wrote and directed this episode of Fringe, and it was fantastic.
We begin with Olivia pushing a lady in front of a subway train. Don't worry, it was just a dream. Orrr was it? It wasn't. I mean, it was, but it also actually happened. Just Olivia wasn't there and it was seen as a suicide. Olivia tells the gang about her dream to kill, and while Walter humours her with questions, Peter, as if he has not been around for the freakshow all season, is convinced it was just a nightmare. As if! Olivia jets off to NYC to investigate. And to kill someone else with her mind! A few looks through a magnifying glass and the gang notices a blondie scarface is common to both dream sequence crime scenes.
Nick Lane is a former mental facility patient who had checked himself out after being visited by a bespectacled man (probably important for later). The gang learns that Nick thought he was being prepared as a soldier for a war, and sees on his wall newspaper clippings about fringy tests on children. Walter shares that when he used to experiment on kids back in the day, the Tryptophan drug (the same drug that enables in them the Brite Lite abilities), allowed travel between realities. Annddd, they would pair kids off so they could have a friend at human-testing camp, and these pairs would sometimes develop very strong bonds. Strong enough to travel between each other's realities? Hmmmm, Walter?
Yes. In fact, that's exactly it. Olivia and Nick were BFFLs once upon a time, which is why she can dream what he is feeling and doing, as if it's her reality. While she got Brite Lite powers, Nick got the ability of being a hyper emoticon - his feelings are contagious to those around him, and since he is a sadface and wants to be an X-for-eyes, the people near him have been killing themselves and others.
To catch a killer, one must BE the killer. Ommm. Olivia goes under some techno-disco-strobe light hypnotism while she dreams Nick's meeting, sexing, and killing of a stripper lady. Everyone enjoyed witnessing this wet dream and all was good with the world again! They found Nick atop a building, but instead of killing him like he politely asked, they took him back to the CIA and put him in a coma, probably for more tests.
So now it's confirmed that Olivia was one of the ZFT mascara bunnies and Walter a ZFT researcher. And Peter a skeptic, still. Come now, Joshy, just take off your pants and believe!
4.22.2009
Kings exiled
Until June 13, when it will return for 7 eppies and then be executed. What kind of world do we live in where Macaulay Culkin can't even pull an audience? A sad, carbon dioxidey one. Happy Earth Day, indeed.
4.21.2009
Lollypop, lollypop... oh, lolly, lolly, lolly!
There is no greater joy than waking up to THIS:
...to actually SEE the lineup, go to the site.
4.20.2009
Columbia Engineers Without Borders, YOU are Captain Planet
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
CU-EWB Uganda Project just won the Environmental Protection Agency P3 grant competition!
75,000 Congrats (and Dolla Dolla billz, y'all)!!!
CU-EWB’s Uganda Project is working to implement a multifunction energy platform (MFP) program throughout a farming coop in Uganda. MFPs provide important mechanization for agricultural processing, electricity generation, and domestic or irrigation water supply systems.
Matt and team, you guys totally deserve this! Wish we could've been there to experience it all - we miss you CUEWBers!
For the rest of the world, check out the work that the Uganda Project (and Ghana and India Projects) have done to develop the world... sustainably. EEEE!
Pull Up the Covers: 'When it rains, it pours' Edition
Back when I'd deluded myself into believing that I was able to accurately critique music, with no bias toward my penchant for the silly and extreme, I had a recurring series of posts entitled... well, look above. I figured that the best way to get back into the swing of things, song cover-wise, was to just let 'er rip! Enjoy...
Bat for Lashes -- "Use Somebody" (Kings of Leon)
...BfL has the best covers! Between her Primal Scream cover (it's on Radio1, go check it out... I'll wait...) and this KoL ditty, you can tell she not only really knows her music -- she's got good taste, too.
Noel Gallagher -- "Wonderwall" (Ryan Adams' cover of Oasis)
...this little treat is like a box in a box in a box. Then again, only a Gallagher brother would be so self-involved as to take one of the highest forms of flattery - imitation, that is (as I'm unaware of any current wax statues done in his/their likeness) - and then copy THAT.
Little Boots -- "Day N Nite" (Kid Cudi)
...I loveloveloveLOVE when people do whimsical little covers of hip hop songs! For other such gems, see Madison's cover of Little Wayne's "Lollipop".
Dizzee Rascal -- "That's Not My Name" (Ting Tings)
...it's just nice to go into one of Dizzee's songs having the slightest semblance of an idea as to what he's saying. Really, I suppose, I should be thanking the Ting Tings for more or less giving me an advanced copy to (some of) these lyrics.
4.19.2009
Judgement Day
Did you know that Webster decided the e in "judgement" was unnecessito por favor? The Brits still use the e, and as an anglo-phile who has evolved to putting u's where they did not previously exist and flipping and reversing er's, I'ma keep it too.
Anywhosie, Kings. Did you remember to watch on Saturday? It's ok, me either. In fact, I think I quite like Hulu-ing it at its original time, feels like the good ol' days. This week was the annual Judgement Day in Shiloh, where King Bobinsky chooses 10 cases that he will personally hear and make a ruling based on what God telekineticizes to him. One of the cases was to pardon his illegit kid's doctor for a hit-and-run he committed years back, but even his baby mama as a character witness couldn't save the doc.
One of the cases dropped out, and so Princeypants convinced Davey to try out for the spot to save his bro from the death sentence, but then sneakily told Ms. Cornelius Fudge to choose Princess Mi's healthcare case instead. Jack revealed to Mi that it's not that he's jealous of Davey, per se, more that if she ends up marrying him, since she is older than him by a hot minute, Davey would probs get the crown over him. And all Jack is tryna do is hurt Davey so bad that he won't even want the crown, even if it means killing off one of his momma's litter. Kindly, Jack presents an alternate option: if Davey publicly denounces the king, he'd make sure Ethan isn't stoned to death. Davey, like a fool, publicly proposes to the King because he truly, madly, deeply believes in him.
After a lot of back and forth, boy-scout-badge ironing-on and subsequent ripping-off, King Bobinsky sees that Davey is genuine and he reduces Ethan's hanging to one week of babysitting an underprivileged smart ass child. That's the good news. The bad news is that while Davey may get to see his brother for another day, this thing with Mich can be no more. She's promised to someone else - Paste-Eater perhaps? Whatever, I don't like her. First she got to make-out up on Davey and then she had Zef's baby in 17 Again? Undeserving wench.
Also this week we met Uncle William's son, Macaulay Culkin, who is back from exile. Happy Diwali! Apparently these years home alone have left young Kevin McCallister a cross-dresser who steals his aunty's glittery pumps? I wonder if we can look forward to a Royal Theatre production of Tootsie, or if he and Jack will commiserate about their secret lives. What does the Bible say about gay incest?
I choose to make up my own side-drama to make this show more exciting in my mind.
What the Ef(ron)?!?!
If you aren't aware of what this weekend means to us in the age-in-denial/die-hard tween-for-life set, let me help you out with a bit more of a visual aid...
...sigh...
Happy 17 Again to all!
4.14.2009
A lion-snake named Harriet
Tonight's Fringe involved a hybrid animal monster - think Montauk Monster meets Scorpion King - that goes around impregnating menz with its stinger (that's what he does?) and killing those unworthy of carrying its larvlets. 
A group of MIT <3s PETA members break into one student's father's animal testing facility to let all the mascara-tested bunnies go and accidentally unleash Harriet from her red-light district holding cell. (Imagine with me that it was Joshy's idea to start this eppy with Revlon rabbits, as a shout out to MB and, probably mostly, moi.) Needless to say, these students are killed by the monster, who liked getting makeovers and does not appreciate their meddling. Nancy Drew and crew notice from the fang and claw marks on the bodies that this is a case of the fringe, but it's from a stinger extracted from one victim that Walter realizes the creature is actually the mutt of Darwin's dreams, curiously similar to one he tried to create many years back. Best to keep that to yourself, Walt.
It's only after our dear Charlie gets stung by Harriet and one of the victims pulls an Alien, birthing a bucket... make that two buckets, Peter... of larv guys, that Walter decides to share his pet (ha) project with the class. Tsk on you for keeping such a secret, Walter. Still with dunce-cap on head, Walter proposes that the only way to abort Charlie's babies is by injecting him with baby mama's blood. And so they pack their picnic baskets full of larvae for bait and Scooby Snacks for, well, snacks, and head to the sewer where the monster roams. Walter, feeling the dunce-cap was not enough to rid him of his unnecessary guilt (turns out this monster is unrelated to his fail monster of yore), puts himself up as bait and goes looking for danger. How good you are at hide-and-seek-roulette, Walter, you both found and shot the monster!
And Charlie's saved! Thank gawd, because Charlie might be the only likable character on this show, being funny and sweet and married, like he is.
In addition to the Observer apparently being in all the episodes and these sublyminal images that I think are supposed to intrigue us into conspiracy-theorizing, I think the writers are trying to tell us something about Olivia's maternal clock. Bald kid, her niece, and larvae - it's all just more than she can handle right now! AND Joshy is totes macking on her sister. Poor gal. SWF-ing Patricia Arquette with her Medium skills next week should take her mind off things, though.
4.13.2009
It's the scene...
...the Holocene!
It's the end of an era, folks! Our far too hurried exodus from the Holocene into the on-our-way-to-I, Robot-like era of the Anthropocene has me all bummed inside. In the memory of yesteryear, and this first sign of a man-induced apocalypse, I give you a soundtrack with which you can mourn the beginning of the end.
"End of the World" - REM
"The End is the Beginning is the End" - Smashing Pumpkins
It should be noted that, though I detest Billy Corgan (mostly) entirely, it WOULD be his voice that would usher me into the dawn of the Wall-E era.
"99 Luftballoons" - Nena
...this could really be a shout out to our obvious German fans (that's right, we cater to your preferences, here at MB)
"New Dark Age" - The Sound
"The Times Are A'Changin'" - Bob Dylan
...kudos to Uncle Bob for seeing this one coming decades in advance.
"Waiting for the End of the World" - Elvis Costello
And, so there you have it, kids. It's sad but true.
Happy Monday to all!!
4.08.2009
Fringe baldness
This show creeps me out. This week's eppy, though, somehow took a creepy kid and made him quite endearing. Even made my eyes tear up a little.
A kid (alien?) baldy was found living in an underground facility that had been sealed off for a century, with no evidence of how he'd gotten there and little of how he'd survived. He can't speak, but can write, and has some hyper-intuition that may be mistaken by WebMD as psychic ability. Kid A somehow makes strong connections with certain people and can tell what they are thinking and feeling from miles away, like a shark (this show is so educational). Luckily for the gang, this kid has love at first sighted Olivia and also has some special bond with The Artist, a serial killer who Olivia has been after for a long time and is back making ugly ladies dead and pretty. He senses Olivia's need to find this man and catch him and kill him and eat him, and so he gives her the venues for the Artist's next exhibitions and saves the day.
The CIA is also interested in the boy, and an officer who is excited to have "found another one" poses as social services and tries to take him. "WhytheCIAwannawatchus?" asks the boy, and Olivia arranges to have him sent to live with a nice family while Agent Broyles lies to the CIA that he disappeared, as one would expect an alien baldy to do.
Considering Peter's ability to put clues together and Walter's understanding of things abnormal, it is a surprise to me that no one even mentioned the kid's likeness to the alien baldy Observer. The Observer himself noticed and even made the trip from playing Where's Waldo on American Idol to somewhere on Fringe where he stood watching as the kid was driven to his new fam. Also, what is the point of a cliffhanger if you act like it didn't happen when you return from hiatus? There was no mention of the Germ or Walter's novella or Olivia's energy-saving powers. Though, perhaps the reason Olivia inspires divinations from baldy Trelawny is because she has some GC161 powers herself?
Next week doesn't seem like it will address either of those things, but maybe it will add more to the mystery. I could do without the eye-opening intro again, though, thanks JJ. And more Joshy next time, please!
4.07.2009
Long Live the King
Why, nbc, whyyyy? Did my pleas for gayosity offend or annoy you? Are you jealous of David and my relationship? Do you want my blog to go out of business? Because if it's not any of those things, or if it is, I don't think I can forgive you for taking Kings away from me. Eventually, anyway. There will still be 8 more Saturday evening airings on which I will report, for those of you care to witness a slow death.
If you knew you only had 8 weeks to live and you were a repressed gayo, you'd act out, right? This is my hope for our dear Prince. And for David, because anyone is better than a wet blanket (Michelle), and this way he can keep it in the fam. I would also like to find out what Michelle's secret vow is, and there's something to do with Uncle Will's secret son coming up. And sure, it would be nice if the Queen would adopt Silas' illegit-2-quit and hire his baby mama as her housekeeper.
Bah. Perhaps if we all watch together, we three readers of this blog, we can make a difference and resurrect the King. Aw, and just in time for Easter!
Hipster-Hop
These days, it's more than just a Daft Punk sample.
Last year, it was the BBC Radio1 contempo covers, with one artist's sound on another's song, that I couldn't get enough of. And now, it's hip-hopsters (hipster-hoppers?) adding their own voices to indie hits, one-upping the cover song. And what's better, the sampled songs are ones on my "at the mo" rather than my "throwback" playlist. Here are a few of the faves:
Drake - Little Bit (Lykke Li)
Who ever dreamed such a life of rhyme for the chair-wheeling kid from Canada's Degrassi? Considering my love for the sappy teen drama, I think it's saying a lot that I think his career move was an upgrade. Though it helps that he references fellow television stars of the 90s...
N.A.S.A. - Gifted (ft. Kanye West, Santigold, Lykke Li)
More with mashing of artists than their songs, N.A.S.A. (or Central America, as I choose to refer to them) is inspirational the way they bring the people together.
Wale - Chillin (ft. Lady GaGa)
Oh, whale. With Mark Ronson's basket of pet artists with which to collab, you really can do no wrong. Also, kudos to Lady GaGa for a spot-on MIA impression.
Kid Cudi - I Poke Her Face (ft. Kanye West and Common)
Until the radio decided to make it my shower theme-song, I was loving Kid Cudi's Day N Nite. I have since moved on to this punny version of Poker Face, that is quite enjoyable, "even if it is actually just an amalgam of 358 other songs/pop culture references, all shoved together and spun into double entendre", as Timly observed.
Chiddy Bang - Kids (MGMT)
Chiddy Bang - Because (Radiohead)
And lastly, but probably my most favoritestly, Chiddy Bang. Their name alone puts them on the top of my list (the bottom of this one only for climactic effect). But these two covers/remixes/social commentaries somehow took two songs I lurve - one by an artist that could never be outdone - and created songs almost more amazing than the originals. Also, tell me these aren't the most adorable boys.
.
4.06.2009
That'll teach you not to Animal Farm
It would seem my request for more homosexualism is still being processed, but this week's Kings did find a lovely balance between Psalm recitations and camera time for David.
Wash up, David, supper's on the table and King Silas' youtube state of the union is starting! To keep the peace, Silas announces he will give the Gilboans back all the land he took, including David's Home Sweet Farm.
"Let me tell you AGAIN, how both my father and my brother died to protect this land. Please don't do this, Sire."
"I just broke up with my lady friend and I'll thank you to understand my emotional state. Now you go to your prosperous port and convince Wilbur and friends that they love losing their homes."
"Fellow farmers, consider that perhaps it's better to give up this land and not have any more people die...whatdya say?"
"David, bro, we lost our father and brother for this land! But I figure there are plenty more sons in the house to keep mom occupied, so just let me start this riot and get myself killed too."
At Port Prosperity, an insurrection led by David's brother, Ethan; At Shiloh, a coup led by King's brother-in-law, William, and his lackey, Prince Jack. All the while, King Bobinsky sits on a rock in the middle of a stream and brushes off warnings of chaos from Thomasina (the Zazu to his Mufasa).
Princess Michelle goes to Port Protest so daddy and David will start paying attention to her. And, damsel in distress be damned, it worked. Silas shot up everyone in the horse stable bunker, save Ethan, Davey, and Princess Pea.
Uncle Buck, who has been Silas' sugar daddy til now, is over it and ready to crown Jack the new king. Together, they purchase control of the media for to make daddy look foolish, but the girl from Popular buys it out from under them in return for the title of Minister. Upon serving his time-out sentence, Jack is given the strings to the Popular marionette and behind-the-scenes control of her seat at the Ministry of Magic. Silas takes care of William's posse by blowing them up, but William is secretly texted by the King's general to make like a tree and is spared.
And just so you don't get the impression that David is just a pretty face, let me tell you that he can also do smoldering. David showed his balls and stood up to the King, initially about the land giveaway, and then about letting his bro go free. And, albeit against my wishes, he saved the princess. Honestly, there must be a limit to this dashing charmy perfection.
And don't worry that your family hates you, Davey. I'm here.
4.05.2009
4.02.2009
Zerstörung durch Fortschritte der Technologie, duh
Firstly, for it is bound to come up again, let me tell you straight up that I am a big, big, since he was Charlie Conway and I was a slumdog baby, fan of Joshua Jackson. I love him. As for the picture, I'm just keeping with the theme of the last post, that's all, okay?
Nextly, because Fringe has actually developed into a true JJ Abrams show where plotlines intertwine and mysterious secrets lurk, I will give you the haps til now so that you can be in the know for when it comes back next week.
Definition: Fringe science, as it sounds, is fringe-ly science; crazy shit that has some scientific plausibility, but not so much probability in our world of skeptical realists.
So in the first eppy, FBI agent Olivia Dunham and her partner, both in the worky and twerky sense, John Scott, get called to investigate a plane of people who died in a gross manner. John gets too close to the suspect's garage of chemicals which blows up and turns his skin clear, and the only way to save him is with an anecdote (yes, I know, it's antidote) for which they need THE fringe scientist, Walter Bishop. Enter the love of my life. Peter Bishop is just a smart, good-looking guy with a shady past and the only one who can sign his father out of the mental institute of technology he's been attending since he killed a young lady in a fringy experiment. While Pete and his pops are trying to cure John, Olivia is trying to solve the case, so she goes into a water tank and gets hooked up to John's brain so she can read his memories and see what the bad guy looks like. Eventually, they cure Liv's love but he turns around and tries to kill her, so she kills him. Sad, but she still has his memories. (HIS memories, did you catch that?)
Liv's boss, Matthew Abaddon, or Agent Broyles as he is called on this JJ show, is impressed and puts her and the rest of the gang on a task force to follow "the Pattern", a string of fringe occurrences. So for the next lots of episodes, all the incidents seem confined to one episode, blah blah. What you need to know: the guy that used to work with Walt on fringy stuff is now the head of an evil corporation, Massive Dynamic, which is somehow connected to all the incidents. John and his memories have been infiltrating Olivia's mind, helping her to solve mysteries and also scaring her and making her sad. Also, there is this alien baldy Observer who has been present at all the incidents (to observe) and long ago saved a drowning baby Peter so Walter owed him one getaway. He seems aight.
As these incidents are all part of a "Pattern" it made sense that things would begin to come together eventually. A group of bad guys walked-through-walls to break into Walter's bank vault and steal a gadget that he invented. They then kidnapped some geniuses to fix the kink in said gadget so they could use it toooo... TELEPORT a scary Germ from his high security prison cell in Deutschland to a field in the States! The head bad guy, Michael Loeb, was actually pretending to be a CIA agent and helped kidnap Olivia, but she figured him out because of a dot on his shoe and then she killed his wife. Upon hearing the news, he said to her, "Oh no you di'n't! We was tryna to save you but now look what you've done. Germ was just doing what's written in the ZFT manifesto. Go look it up, biatch." Then, Olivia goes hottubbing in the tank where she shares John's hopes and dreams and learns that he wasn't a bad guy at all, that he was part of a secret task force too, and that he really did love her. This was just the closure she needed to rid her brain of his.
Meanwhilst, the Germ is decompressing in a chamber, and the gang has learned of his prison break. Peter uses his connections from his times living on the edge to find the ZFT manifesto to understand where Germ is coming from and to figure out why people's orifices are sealing in the latest fringe science craze. Papa Walt then steals the ZFT for some light reading and is just tickled by the Courier New floating y's. After recovering from his jetlag, the Germ goes to the CIA headquarters to speak with Olivia. He whispers some sweet nothings about how everyone has the potential to use their left brain to turn off lights but society is so unaccepting that only kids who had an extra booster shot back in the 80s can do it anymore. And Olivia is one of those kids. So Germ set up a bomb with a Brite-Lite code on a building downtown and only Olivia's brain (sans John's brain, remember) can turn off the lights, and thusly turn off the bomb. So she goes and stares with all her eyes, and die-die-der-der-poof! the lights and bomb turn off. Olivia is convinced he planned it that way to mess with her pretty head but the Germ seems really excited so methinks not.
Last scene before the hiatus: Walter pulls down a rusty typewriter and types A-b-i-l-i-t-floating y. Ohhh scheisse!
And now you are caught up and excited to keep up.
Pure poppycock!
Everyone, shhhh... Veronica Mars is back, giving us our one and only source into the scanda-zzzzz. Huh? What? Oh, sorry, I'm good. It's just that the previews for this episode set us up for what was sure to be a STEAMY, SEXY time. Except... it wasn't. You'll see:
In line with (latest) GG trend, there are about 9483904384 different plot lines, and NONE of them are the ones I want to see. Helloooooo?! Eric and his boyfriend! Darota and HER boyfriend! Do you people not even care about true love on this show?! Anywhooo, I'll just cover the gamechangers, shall I?
Firstly, there's the love rectangle referenced in aforementioned previews. Someone gave Sir Charles his very own Nancy Drew Sleuth Kit, and he's been lurking in the bushes (his limousine), waiting to see just who took the old mantle clock (stalking Blair). Turns out Blair and Nate have been having a torrid affair -- except it's the most boring, least sexy, horrifically platonic, anti-sexy time "affair" in the world. Though we DO get to see (yet some more) evidence as to what an idiot Serena is, since the car horn/Darota's cold excuse isn't even Blair's cover up A-game and Serena just gobbled it up. Chuck exposes these secred trysts to Vanessa, and they begin twiddling their handlebar mustaches in order to devise a plan. Of course, this means they have to draw it out - Boris confronts Blair and feeds her some bullshit about having no spark (first, a detective, now an electrician!), Natasha goes to Nate and tries to pout and push her boobs up, but he just breaks up with her instead. Then, Boris and Natashs decide that they'll TOTALLY make Nate and Blair jealous by smooching at the party (explained later). As you can imagine, it doesn't work for beans, so, since the writers can't figure out if Blair is supposed to be pathetic and neurotic or bitchy and neurotic and instead settle it by alternating each week (and, duh, she was totes a bitch last week!), Blair tries to force herself on Nate who's had a little too much hands-on fun after last week's intra-family gropefest--erm, I mean, football-- and says, "No way, Jose--erm, I mean, Blair!" Basically, there's a lot of back and forth until finally freezing temperature, annoying geese, and Darota are able to do what jealousy, revenge, and an empty bedroom at a party could only halfway manage. (Blair and Nate kiss. It's a really boring kiss.) Oh, but don't feel too bad for the terrible twosome, Boris and Nats get together and did it all Fearless Leader-style! You know, because GG can't learn and instead insists on doing that thing that shows do, where they try and accommodate the fact that they have a set of horny, rich, 20-somethings who all feel the need to hook up... and indulge said hook-ups by rewriting the plot to cater to them.The other plots are (even) more boring than that main one. Roofie and Lilyflower want to get all Yours, Mine, and Ours up in this bitch (yes, avid watchers, it HAS been the appropriate number of episodes before they attempt this again in hopes that we have no memory), and try and consolidate the amount of negligent parenting into ONE home. You see, Roofie must have invested EVERY SINGLE DIME of his 90's rock 'n roll fortune (we know he had one, since illegal downloading had yet to come into play) on his coke 'n whore lifestyle of yesteryear, because - despite the fact that he has a ridiculously huge loft in Williamsburg - he apparently has $2 to his name. $2 that Yale swears can buy an ivy league education. It obviously can't, but it leads Roofie to be enough of a man to refuse handouts from his ex-golddigger lady friend, but not enough of one to refuse to move in with her. I wish I knew this Dean of Admissions with whom everyone is trying to get BFF-y, I'd tell him to cut his losses. Send Danny to Brown or something...
In the midst of this, Serena lets Poppyseed Delevigne...ton convince her that rhasping your voice and getting your hair did into a bob is the way to go. No more oscillating your love/personal life with the same man/best friend. I hate to say it, but homegirl kinda got a point. But, of course, Serena's an idiot. And idiots take good advice, translate it into idiot, and throw their mother's boyfriend's daughter (orrrr, ex-boyfriend's little sister, take your pick) a Sweet 16 that she, in an out-of-nowhere campaign against anything remotely Upper East Side (let's review where her school is located) and in favor of individuality and moxie, which can only have come from her (also new) bangs, expressly forbade. I'm sure the resulting drama of Little Jay's retaliation via open invitation to all hot messes is supposed to be interesting. Instead it only takes up time, resolving itself before you can say "Cecily von Ziegesar".
Oh, and the "cliffhangers" for the next episode? Roofie and Lilybean's long-lost, plot-creepifying son is trying to holla at Dan. Though, as far as excuses go, "Dan Humphrey's #1 fan!!!!" is not the most believable. Also, Poppyseed's beau, who's got the hook-up in terms of traveling to Spain, is someone who, judging by the look on Serena's face, we're supposed to know. Or he has something to do with the dude she killed. Orrr, he's Michelle Trachtenberg in disguise. Don't know. Don't care.
See? All in all, not GG's best work. I WILL say, however, the honorable mentions should be given where due. Due to your swooping in and saving the day by (a) getting Serena the hell away from NY (And us? Cross your fingers!) ...and (2) illuminating new and as of yet unexplored ways in which Serena was a big, fat, wet blanket, we thank you, Poppyseed. You are the bright light in an otherwise meh episode!
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