In line with (latest) GG trend, there are about 9483904384 different plot lines, and NONE of them are the ones I want to see. Helloooooo?! Eric and his boyfriend! Darota and HER boyfriend! Do you people not even care about true love on this show?! Anywhooo, I'll just cover the gamechangers, shall I?
Firstly, there's the love rectangle referenced in aforementioned previews. Someone gave Sir Charles his very own Nancy Drew Sleuth Kit, and he's been lurking in the bushes (his limousine), waiting to see just who took the old mantle clock (stalking Blair). Turns out Blair and Nate have been having a torrid affair -- except it's the most boring, least sexy, horrifically platonic, anti-sexy time "affair" in the world. Though we DO get to see (yet some more) evidence as to what an idiot Serena is, since the car horn/Darota's cold excuse isn't even Blair's cover up A-game and Serena just gobbled it up. Chuck exposes these secred trysts to Vanessa, and they begin twiddling their handlebar mustaches in order to devise a plan. Of course, this means they have to draw it out - Boris confronts Blair and feeds her some bullshit about having no spark (first, a detective, now an electrician!), Natasha goes to Nate and tries to pout and push her boobs up, but he just breaks up with her instead. Then, Boris and Natashs decide that they'll TOTALLY make Nate and Blair jealous by smooching at the party (explained later). As you can imagine, it doesn't work for beans, so, since the writers can't figure out if Blair is supposed to be pathetic and neurotic or bitchy and neurotic and instead settle it by alternating each week (and, duh, she was totes a bitch last week!), Blair tries to force herself on Nate who's had a little too much hands-on fun after last week's intra-family gropefest--erm, I mean, football-- and says, "No way, Jose--erm, I mean, Blair!" Basically, there's a lot of back and forth until finally freezing temperature, annoying geese, and Darota are able to do what jealousy, revenge, and an empty bedroom at a party could only halfway manage. (Blair and Nate kiss. It's a really boring kiss.) Oh, but don't feel too bad for the terrible twosome, Boris and Nats get together and did it all Fearless Leader-style! You know, because GG can't learn and instead insists on doing that thing that shows do, where they try and accommodate the fact that they have a set of horny, rich, 20-somethings who all feel the need to hook up... and indulge said hook-ups by rewriting the plot to cater to them.The other plots are (even) more boring than that main one. Roofie and Lilyflower want to get all Yours, Mine, and Ours up in this bitch (yes, avid watchers, it HAS been the appropriate number of episodes before they attempt this again in hopes that we have no memory), and try and consolidate the amount of negligent parenting into ONE home. You see, Roofie must have invested EVERY SINGLE DIME of his 90's rock 'n roll fortune (we know he had one, since illegal downloading had yet to come into play) on his coke 'n whore lifestyle of yesteryear, because - despite the fact that he has a ridiculously huge loft in Williamsburg - he apparently has $2 to his name. $2 that Yale swears can buy an ivy league education. It obviously can't, but it leads Roofie to be enough of a man to refuse handouts from his ex-golddigger lady friend, but not enough of one to refuse to move in with her. I wish I knew this Dean of Admissions with whom everyone is trying to get BFF-y, I'd tell him to cut his losses. Send Danny to Brown or something...
In the midst of this, Serena lets Poppyseed Delevigne...ton convince her that rhasping your voice and getting your hair did into a bob is the way to go. No more oscillating your love/personal life with the same man/best friend. I hate to say it, but homegirl kinda got a point. But, of course, Serena's an idiot. And idiots take good advice, translate it into idiot, and throw their mother's boyfriend's daughter (orrrr, ex-boyfriend's little sister, take your pick) a Sweet 16 that she, in an out-of-nowhere campaign against anything remotely Upper East Side (let's review where her school is located) and in favor of individuality and moxie, which can only have come from her (also new) bangs, expressly forbade. I'm sure the resulting drama of Little Jay's retaliation via open invitation to all hot messes is supposed to be interesting. Instead it only takes up time, resolving itself before you can say "Cecily von Ziegesar".
Oh, and the "cliffhangers" for the next episode? Roofie and Lilybean's long-lost, plot-creepifying son is trying to holla at Dan. Though, as far as excuses go, "Dan Humphrey's #1 fan!!!!" is not the most believable. Also, Poppyseed's beau, who's got the hook-up in terms of traveling to Spain, is someone who, judging by the look on Serena's face, we're supposed to know. Or he has something to do with the dude she killed. Orrr, he's Michelle Trachtenberg in disguise. Don't know. Don't care.
See? All in all, not GG's best work. I WILL say, however, the honorable mentions should be given where due. Due to your swooping in and saving the day by (a) getting Serena the hell away from NY (And us? Cross your fingers!) ...and (2) illuminating new and as of yet unexplored ways in which Serena was a big, fat, wet blanket, we thank you, Poppyseed. You are the bright light in an otherwise meh episode!
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