Everyone is desperate.

Before I actually watched my DVR’ed copy of the Results Show, I was warned that it was going to shock me to my very core. Now, maybe it was the warning, or maybe I’ve just become jaded and desensitized too young in life, but I wasn’t colored stunned. Sometimes, the best loved contestants just aren't good.

I will start off by admitting slight defeat: it turned out Jason Danny and Gymnastic Alien were NOT in the Bottom 3. In fact, neither were Kaz…zak and Randi (THANK GOD!). But, I WAS right in Vitrola and Karla Winslow being in the bottom. Kayla (the Perfect) and Ku’uoo’uau’p’aua’no as well as Jeanine and – gasp! – Ch’beeby were. I knew the Phil in the bottom bit was supposed to surprise me, but could we really get around how bad he’d been recently? No, we couldn’t. First Obama, then Baconaise, now putting Ch’beebs in the Bottom 3 – we’re getting there, America.

I’m always reluctant to admit anything Karla Winslow does is generally good, because she seems like she really sucks in all other aspects of her life. Thankfully, she kind of just flittered about as if this was the first time anyone had flapped her arms to “Blackbird”. None of the solos were really THAT remarkable, but of course the jidges had to claim that Kayla was, yet again, being “desperate.” I’m not sure why they like series of pirouettes and leaps perfectly fine for one person, but hate them for Kayla. The jidges also claimed that Chongalicious’ solo was the second coming of Christ, but I’m not sure I really saw that either. I think they were just appreciative of being able to enjoy a contemporary solo that was, for once, not danced to Lifehouse or Sarah McLachlan or Sia or some other moody tune crooner. Ch’beebs’ solo was amazing, and I thought it even more amazing because it was to a Santogold remix (BEST album of artist remixes in a hot minute). Of course, the jidges thought that too was “desperate.” Has it not occurred to them that perhaps Mary’s incessant screaming and flailing is a bit desperate? Are we to just chalk this up as yet another point for cognitive dissonance??

Even though it’s rather obvious, and has been for WEEKS, I suppose I should take the time to say it was Karla and Vitolio who were the ones to go home. Cat, bless her, got caught in the trap of allowing Vitrola the microphone, whence he proceeded to go on and on about the people he had touched and the lives he’d changed… from his three week stint on a national reality competition show.



In any case, this would have actually been a rather boring (yes, boring... not shocking) Results Show had they not had Desmond Richardson (above) and Patricia Hachey do the most unbelievable contemporary pas de deux. When it’s all said and done, I daresay that might be the only thing worth YouTubing.